Men must lead in marriage

"Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them." (Colossians 3.18-19)



Although this passage--which is often misunderstood and misapplied--speaks to both husbands and wives, I will use this blog post to address the men.  

Our society and even many churches view God's design for the husband to serve as the leader in marriage as archaic, chauvanistic, mysogonistic, and narrow-minded.

Men, because we have rejected, misunderstood, or misapplied our Biblical roles as husbands, we lean toward one of two extremes--aggression or passivity. 

Our sinful nature, desire for control, selfishness and self-centeredness lead us to twist God's guidelines to gain the upper hand in marriage or to avoid the challenges of fulfilling God's design for husbands. As a result, men will either check out and give up on their marriage or misuse and misquote the Bible to justify abusive, domineering and authoritative behavior. These are all wrong, unhealthy, and not in line with God's design.

Husbands, the Bible does not give you the go-ahead to walk over your wife, control her, be a dictator, boss her around, and prevent her from having a voice. Biblical marriage is not designed to center on you. Jesus must be at the center. 

Husbands, you are not called to be an authoritarian, you are called to be the leader. Ephesians 5.21-33  shows us what leadership in marriage looks like. 

Love your wife as Jesus loves the church. Jesus showed His love by sacrificially giving His life and dying for the church. Sacrificing for your wife is not a passive means to get your wife to do what you want. A husband's sacrifice should point your wife to Jesus. Our sacrifice should lead our wives to grow in Christ and flourish, use her spiritual gifts, and fulfill her God-given purpose. 

Giving your life and sacrificing for your wife may take some of these forms:
  • Watching your children after your hard day of work to give your wife a break.
  • Consider doing work around the house or cooking dinner. 
  • Discovering your wife's longings and needs and doing whatever it takes to meet them.
  • Taking time to listen to and affirm your wife. Be engaged with her.
  • Find out what your wife needs from you to help her grow as a person and as a follower of Jesus. Do what it takes to meet those needs.
  • Laying down what you want for what is best for your wife. 

Protect your wife emotionally and physically. This means that husbands must provide wives with security--spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially--and fulfill her needs. 

Men, how is your walk with Jesus? One of the sorriest excuses I hear from Christian men is that they leave the spiritual direction of their marriage and family to their wives. They often say it's because their wives are more spiritual. 

Please do not get me wrong. I am all about women being the best they can be in their relationship with Jesus. One of the things that attracted me to my wife Julie is that she is a woman who pursues Jesus with all her heart and desires to grow deeply with Him. 

I am pointing out the real problem--spiritually lazy men. 

Husbands, if you are married to a woman who loves Jesus, and who you feel is spiritually more mature than you, I am almost certain that she is praying for you to grow in Christ so that you can be the spiritual leader. She longs for that. 

Please stop making excuses and start pursuing Jesus with all your heart and start leading your wife and family toward Christ. 

We are called to protect our wives emotionally. This means that we do everything it takes to build security for our wives. 

Husbands, identify and eliminate whatever makes your wife insecure about you and your marriage. For some, it is a relationship with another female. For others, it is porn. Maybe you give less attention to your wife while being consumed by video games, the computer, television, hanging out with the boys, or doing other things. 

By not emotionally feeding into your wife or building her up, you are not protecting her. 

Take time to date your wife, listen to her, do whatever it takes to make her know you are there and that you really care about her. Make your wife know and feel that next to Jesus, she is most important in your life. 

Protecting our wives physically is not limited to protecting them from harm. Our wives need to feel safe with us all the time. Men, this means that your wife should feel secure with you and not fear any harm from you. If you are physically, verbally, or emotionally abusing or intimidating your wife, you are not protecting her. Does your wife feel safe and secure with you? If not, you have work to do.

Husbands, we must protect our wives from physical harm. Your wife must be confident knowing that you will stand up for her, defend her, and keep her safe. 

If there is an area in marriage that can cause great insecurity, it is finances. Men, you are responsible to provide financial security for your wife and family. Not saying that you have to earn all the money, be rich, or have a huge bank account. But the way we manage our finances and provide leadership should provide security in this area. 

Even in our financial depravity, husbands can provide security through good financial management, communicating financial situation with your wife, sharing a plan on how you will make it through difficult financial times, hard work, and being willing to do whatever it takes to meet financial needs.  

Husbands, center your life on Jesus. We cannot lead toward something if we do not have it. If our sacrifice comes from the overflow of our walk with Jesus, our actions and sacrifice will reveal Christ

A marriage centered on Jesus will bear the fruit of the Spirit--love, joy, peace patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Husbands, if you do not see evidence of the fruit of the Spirit in your lives, stop and ask why. The real question is, "Where am I with Jesus?"

Commit to spending personal time with Jesus by praying with your wife and studying the Bible with her. Do ministry with your wife and family. Share with your wife and family what God is doing in your life. 

Sacrificing for your wife is a commitment. Walking with Jesus shapes us to have security in Christ--which in turn produces the right kind of strength, confidence, wisdom, vision, kindness, compassion, and tenderness.

Understanding Jesus' love and sacrifice leads us to love and cherish our wives--not walk over, control, boss around, and be an authoritarian. As we walk with Jesus, we will experience Agape love from God. This love is sacrificial and selfless. When we experience God's love, we cannot help but want sacrifice for our wives to see them thrive and flourish.

Husbands, this all starts when we surrender to God and put ourselves under His authority. When our lives are under the lordship and authority of Jesus, every area of our lives are impacted. As a result, when we walk with Jesus, we will do everything possible to insure that all areas of our marriage remain focused on Christ. 

Husbands, leadership does not give you the right to be an authoritarian. In fact the opposite is true. Leadership is the husband's God-given responsibility to humbly lead by loving, sacrificing, guiding and being responsible for the overall well-being of our wives. 

Leadership in marriage means that husbands take responsibility for the good and bad in marriage while building the marriage in Christ. In other words, all areas of our marriage should reflect Jesus.

Responsibility does not mean husbands do everything. In a healthy, Gospel-centered marriage, husbands and wives recognize their strengths and gifts. Husbands and wives must use their gifts within the confines of marriage for the glory of God. God puts a husband and wife together because a wife will be gifted in areas husbands are not and vice-versa. 

Husbands, let us recommit ourselves to being the husband God wants us to be. Single men, pray today that God would start building character in you to be the husband you need to be for your future wife.

Let us make a commitment to take responsibility for the overall well-being of our wives: Spiritual, financial, health, housing, food, appearance, emotions, relationship, reputation, protection from predators, protection from trouble, and help her work through hard times.

Men, it is time we wake up and take seriously the responsibility God gave us for marriage.

Let us be men worthy of our wife's confidence, trust, and respect.







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