Your dating relationship is tearing you up. Joy slips away as you struggle in silence. Things are not right.
Restlessness consumes you.
No matter how hard you try, your uncertainty grows. Something inside tugs at you--that you are dating someone who is not right for you.
On one hand, the thought of breaking up gives hope and relief. On the other hand, letting go is a struggle for several reasons--sentiment, loss of relationship, heartache, pain and messiness.
Many take their struggles and uncertainties into marriage only to regret it later. Do not ignore the red flags.
Let me share several red flags that reveal you are in the wrong dating relationship:
Let me share several red flags that reveal you are in the wrong dating relationship:
1. You are a follower of Jesus but dating someone who is not. Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 6.14: "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?"
Being equally yoked means that husband and wife are each growing in relationship with Jesus and moving together toward Him. Marriage, family, future, life, every effort are centered on Jesus.
The most important quality a Christian single should look for in a future spouse is a strong, growing walk with Jesus. Our relationship with God through Jesus is our deepest relationship. Not being able to share that in marriage can be lonely.
Every person you date is a potential spouse. No matter how young you are or how far away marriage seems, be intentional in dating someone who has the qualities you are looking for in a future spouse.
As we walk with Jesus, the Holy Spirit will impact and change the deepest parts of our lives. A non-believer will never understand or experience this.
How can you tell if someone you are dating or someone you are thinking about dating has a growing walk with Jesus? Here are some characteristics:
Being equally yoked means that husband and wife are each growing in relationship with Jesus and moving together toward Him. Marriage, family, future, life, every effort are centered on Jesus.
The most important quality a Christian single should look for in a future spouse is a strong, growing walk with Jesus. Our relationship with God through Jesus is our deepest relationship. Not being able to share that in marriage can be lonely.
Every person you date is a potential spouse. No matter how young you are or how far away marriage seems, be intentional in dating someone who has the qualities you are looking for in a future spouse.
As we walk with Jesus, the Holy Spirit will impact and change the deepest parts of our lives. A non-believer will never understand or experience this.
How can you tell if someone you are dating or someone you are thinking about dating has a growing walk with Jesus? Here are some characteristics:
- Talks openly about their relationship with Jesus.
- Conversations reveal genuine life change, conviction and encounter with Christ.
- Shares scripture in deep and meaningful ways.
- Expounds on quiet time by sharing Biblical and Christ-centered insight. If you ask about quiet time and get the typical response, "it was good," that person may not be spending quality time with God.
- Has a reputation for loving Jesus.
- Does more than attend church and is involved in ministry, leading others to Jesus and helping people grow in Christ.
- Pastors and other spiritual leaders affirm their growing relationship with Jesus.
Do not settle for someone who claims to be a Christian in name only but bears no fruit. Just because someone attends church, says they are a Christian does not make them a true follower of Jesus.
2. Building your identity on your boyfriend or girlfriend more than Jesus. Building your identity around another person may seem exciting at first. However, over time, this will cause you to feel trapped.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend is the greatest priority in your life and not Jesus, you have made your relationship an idol.
As we grow in Christ, the Holy Spirit puts uneasiness and conviction in our hearts when we are not walking in alignment with Jesus. If your dating life is causing you to struggle, commit your life to Jesus. Obey the prompting of the Holy Spirit, make Jesus your priority, and follow Him.
3. Questions about character and trustworthiness surface. Trustworthy action over time builds trust and reveals character. If someone's character flaws cause you to distrust that person, keep your eyes wide open and be ready to walk away from that relationship.
Although
family and friends do not always get it right, their insight about your boyfriend's or girlfriend's character is very important. Family and friends will speak out of love and concern. They are not emotionally tied to a person you are dating as much as you are and will see things more clearly.
Because it is biblical, find people mature in their walk with Jesus to mentor you. These are usually older people who have faithfully walked with Jesus and lived it for many years. In addition, find peers who are growing towards Christ whom you can build accountabilty with. Christ-centered mentors and accountability partners will be able to speak into your life either before you enter a dating relationship or while you are in a dating relationship. Before character issues surface, these people can help guide you away from a destructively painful relationship.
"Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed." Proverbs 15.22 (NASB)
Because it is biblical, find people mature in their walk with Jesus to mentor you. These are usually older people who have faithfully walked with Jesus and lived it for many years. In addition, find peers who are growing towards Christ whom you can build accountabilty with. Christ-centered mentors and accountability partners will be able to speak into your life either before you enter a dating relationship or while you are in a dating relationship. Before character issues surface, these people can help guide you away from a destructively painful relationship.
"Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed." Proverbs 15.22 (NASB)
4. Disrespect. Either
you do not respect the person you are dating or that person does
not respect you. Disrespect, no matter where or who it comes from will lead to many problems. Respect is one of the key ingredients to successful marriage. Trust me, if respect is not happening while you are dating, it will be less prevalent in marriage.
5. Differences divide rather than compliment the relationship. Opposites
do attract. That is what often attracts people to each other. Healthy relationships build strong relationships and are able to leverage differences into becoming strengths.
In an unhealthy relationship, differences become the source of tension, antagonism and irritation. If you constantly fight over your differences, this will get worse over time unless drastic, intentional action is taken to turn the tide. If this is you, please consider leaving the relationship.
6. Getting physical
dominates the relationship. Communication,
respect, caring, serving and pointing each other to Jesus are non-negotiables. If your dating relationship is mostly physical, your relationship is out of alignment. Physical fire eventually
fades because there is no substance. Build on Jesus,
not lust. If physicality dominates the relationship, it may be best to move on before the relationship burns out and you get burned.
"That you will not arouse or awaken my love until she pleases." Songs of Solomon 3.5 (NASB)
7. It bothers you that certain characteristics
on your "list" are missing. I often ask single people to spend time in prayer and write out a list of what
they expect in a future spouse. In college, I came up with a 14-point list. My
wife, Julie, not only met the list but exceeded it.
If it bothers you that the person you are dating does not possess certain qualities on your list, you need to ask yourself a few questions:
- Can I accept this?
- How important is it to have that quality?
- Is this quality a non-negotiable or a preference?
- Why is this quality important to me?
- What does wise counsel tell me?
- What does God say?
Depending on the importance of your concern, you will need to work through it while seeking the Lord. You will need to seek wise counsel to make any decisions regarding the future of your relationship. If there are legitmate reasons, you should walk away from the relationship.
8. Just not feeling it. Although love is more than an emotion, there needs to be something "special," a chemistry that causes you to want to be in the relationship.
People often hang on and try to make a relationship work when there is no chemistry. They try to force themselves to feel a certain way because,
"she's so beautiful" "she has all the qualities I'm looking
for" "she is so fun to be around" "he's so handsome"
"he's so fun" "he has qualities I'm looking for" "we
have fun together."
If "chemistry" between you and the person you are dating is not there, be honest with yourself and the other person.
Too many Christians try to spiritualize this, beat themselves up, feel guilty, and force their way to stay in a relationship. Others know that breaking up is best but are afraid to hurt the other person.
If "chemistry" between you and the person you are dating is not there, be honest with yourself and the other person.
Too many Christians try to spiritualize this, beat themselves up, feel guilty, and force their way to stay in a relationship. Others know that breaking up is best but are afraid to hurt the other person.
Relationships are tricky and complicated. Before making any decision, you need to seek the Lord in prayer, read His word and seek wise counsel.
For me, I do not believe that people should date until they are 18.
Although I never courted, I am a big proponent of it. In the same breath, I am not opposed to dating as long as it is done in a way that honors Jesus.
Whether you choose to court or date, that is between you and God. My point in this blog--let go of any dating relationship that does not honor Jesus and pulls you from growing in relationship with Him.
If you are in a bad dating relationship right now, my prayer goes out to you. You are experiencing a high level of pain, confusion, and anxiety that make you feel very trapped. Please do not think you have to stay in the relationship. A dating relationship that continues to create unhealth emotionally and spiritually are indicators that you need to get out of there! You are not married and have a chance to allow God to strengthen and rebuild you into being all the person God wants you to be. Breaking off with your boyfriend or girlfriend would be a great opportunity to let God pour into your life in ways that cannot happen if you stayed in the relationship.
Breaking up even an unhealthy relationship is very, very painful especially if you have been in that relationship for a long time. It is your comfort. In many ways, that is all you know. The pain of loneliness, at least momentarily, hurts more than the pains you suffered in an unhealthy relationship--that is why so many people go back. Don't do it! If you are in an unhealthy dating relationship, my prayer is that you will walk away from it and trust God to heal your heart, rebuild you, and help you stay focused as you look forward to an incredible future in Christ.
For everyone who is single, I would encourage you to not be so desperate to find a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife or husband. My encouragement to you is to daily grow in Christ and allow Him to build you into being all the person God wants you to be. When Jesus is our focus, we find satisfaction in knowing that He is enough and that whatever comes after that is a blessing, not the focus.
Do not let your dating life define you. Do not live under the illusion that another person will fill a void that only Jesus can fill.
Focus on Jesus and let Him define, direct and lead you. You will be better and stronger for it. I promise!
For me, I do not believe that people should date until they are 18.
Although I never courted, I am a big proponent of it. In the same breath, I am not opposed to dating as long as it is done in a way that honors Jesus.
Whether you choose to court or date, that is between you and God. My point in this blog--let go of any dating relationship that does not honor Jesus and pulls you from growing in relationship with Him.
If you are in a bad dating relationship right now, my prayer goes out to you. You are experiencing a high level of pain, confusion, and anxiety that make you feel very trapped. Please do not think you have to stay in the relationship. A dating relationship that continues to create unhealth emotionally and spiritually are indicators that you need to get out of there! You are not married and have a chance to allow God to strengthen and rebuild you into being all the person God wants you to be. Breaking off with your boyfriend or girlfriend would be a great opportunity to let God pour into your life in ways that cannot happen if you stayed in the relationship.
Breaking up even an unhealthy relationship is very, very painful especially if you have been in that relationship for a long time. It is your comfort. In many ways, that is all you know. The pain of loneliness, at least momentarily, hurts more than the pains you suffered in an unhealthy relationship--that is why so many people go back. Don't do it! If you are in an unhealthy dating relationship, my prayer is that you will walk away from it and trust God to heal your heart, rebuild you, and help you stay focused as you look forward to an incredible future in Christ.
For everyone who is single, I would encourage you to not be so desperate to find a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife or husband. My encouragement to you is to daily grow in Christ and allow Him to build you into being all the person God wants you to be. When Jesus is our focus, we find satisfaction in knowing that He is enough and that whatever comes after that is a blessing, not the focus.
Do not let your dating life define you. Do not live under the illusion that another person will fill a void that only Jesus can fill.
Focus on Jesus and let Him define, direct and lead you. You will be better and stronger for it. I promise!
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